2003-05-12-10:30 a.m.
I'm kind of weirded out about weight lately. I hung out with another mommy this week and she's maybe a size10/12 and I'm a 4/6. This seemed to bother her a lot as she couldn't stop talking about it, which made me feel really uncomfortable -- because I felt like I was ruining her day even though I wasn't doing anything except trying to be nice. I feel really feeble saying things like, " well, you have really nice skin" ... and 'you know you've had two babies in two years give yourself some time to bounce back - geez". I don't think anything I said mattered because I'm pretty sure it fell on deaf ears.

Then, my mom tells me that G, her sister in law, doesn't want to hang out with me --- or some of my other female stepcousins because we're all "little" and married, engaged, or at least dating someone -- whereas G isn't seeing anyone and she's 33 and her biological clock has kicked in hardcore. She finds it stressful to be around us because she gets so jealous. She's convinced her singleness is because of her size. She's fairly tall and large boned and is quite athletic and could probably kick your ass in two seconds flat. She's not a very girly girl. She's always dieting but never loses weight. I think she's just a big girl - a big, kind of aggressive girl and not many men are up for dealing with her I guess.

I don't know how much weight matters anyway. An old boyfriend, from my punk rock youth, married a very large woman. She's well over 200 pounds. She's also nearly 10 years older than him. And, she's Jewish and from NYC and more than a little domineering in the personality department. I would've pegged her as someone who would have difficulty finding someone to marry --- but my friend seems so happy with her and better mentally than he's seemed in years. He needs her. After a lengthy history of size 4 girlfriends, he now has a size 16/20 wife and he's happy and she's happy. Still, when she met me, she kept commenting on my littleness. augh. I actually felt offended by it -- because I start feeling conspicuous and odd and I don't know what to say. I can't reverse the comment and say "geez, you're a really big girl aren't you" -- because I'd get punched. I think commenting on someone's size is a real conversation stopper, no matter what size they are.

Besides, I'm not that tiny. I don't know why everyone is so fixated on my weight all of the sudden. My mother, my mother in law, friends, random people I meet. I don't feel that different than I was pre-baby but my mom was acting like I was anorexic for awhile. She's mellowed more recently after I told her I eat around 2500 calories a day.

I agree my figure is a little better since having a baby, which is somewhat counterintuitive and unexpected. I feel more girly or womanly or something. I don't think my weight has changed that much though. Besides, I was on the pill for awhile and that made my weight higher than my baseline. I kind of think everyone's remembering my pill weight. However, I could have more muscle and less fat because of my constant toddlercizing. Or, it could be my lack of baggy overalls that's making the big difference. If you wear baggy overalls for years and then suddenly but on tight, black yoga clothes, everyone will think you lost 10 pounds. Really. They will. Even if nothing has actually changed. I'm into my yoga clothes now, because they're so excellent for rolling around on the floor with a toddler. Before, I almost always slouched around in baggy clothes. They just don't appeal to me anymore though.

I wish life were fair and everyone could find their soulmate. I wish everyone wasn't so obsessed with weight. I wish more men appreciated a larger variety of woman sizes rather than just waif. I know I can't do anything about any of it, so I suppose I should stop being bothered but I still am.

(oh, I finally added a drawing to the last post)

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